So, basically I am crazy.
I always blamed Adam for every fight we had. But, guess what? When I think back & compare to how I've been acting to John, I totally caused all of it. I mean, Adam wasn't perfect to me & I will nerve say he was innocent in our relationship battles (because basically, he treated me more like a buddy than a girlfriend he was in love with - but let's not get into that)..but I'm crazy. I cause problems that don't even exist! I cannot figure it out. I mean, there are things with John that get to me, but there is no reason to cause an argument and act as though I'm in a middle school relationship. I love this kid, he loves me, we each have our faults, we are not perfect.
I had this talk with Tara the other day about how John can be immature & we're not in the same world - growing up wise. I do agree that our priorities are different, I have more responsibilities than he does, I have more money & I work more. But, ya know what, he's amazing. He treats me better than anyone I have ever known, he teaches me everything he knows, he takes care of me, he listens to me, he is THERE for ME. He is trying to get himself out of a rut of a dead end job, a broken down apartment, a party lifestyle. But, those are his choices, I would never ever force him to change. He knows what he has to do, what he wants to do...he's just not doing them yet. Everyone moves at their own pace. At least he has a car, an apartment, a job. He takes me out to dinner, he buys me drinks, he takes care of me. And I do the same & since I can afford it more than he can, I do it more...but it's my choice. He never, ever asks me to pay for something or buy him something. I do it because I can & I want to. I just created this thing in my crazy little head that I do EVERYTHING. I don't & what I do do, I do on my own. I'm ridiculous. & all I have to say is that I am very damn lucky to have him & how understanding he is to me. He knows I don't intentionally cause shit, he deals with my crap & he LOVES me. He told me about a dream he had last weekend about how I found a photo of him holding hands with another girl & that I framed it & showed it to him, accused him of cheating & broke up with him. He told me he woke up with the worst feeling ever, that I had left him. He feels like I do, I'd be devastated if we broke up. I'm completely in love with everything about him.
Another part of Tara's talk was that at our age we shouldn't be wasting time with people who don't want to settle down with us. Like get married, make babies. I mean, of course I want to know if John thinks about living with me, marrying me, having babies. But, ya know what I realized this morning...if he asked me today to move in with, I'd say no. I couldn't live with him right now. Hell, I'd love to sleep with him every night, but I'm not ready for that yet. Plus I have a lease for another year & my apartment is too tiny for the both of us. And of course he asked to marry me, I'd say yes, but not for like 2 years. So, why do I rush these things? Why do I NEED/WANT him to be ready for something that I'm not yet ready for? It makes no sense. This is why I am crazy.
Oh & I over think EVERYTHING. Obviously.
So, I have to suck these stupid feelings up, forget how I have been acting the past few days & try to improve myself so in turn I can improve our relationship. & most important thing of all, just fucking enjoy my life & my amazing boyfriend & take it one day at a time.
AMEN.
back to work.