So, basically I am crazy.
I always blamed Adam for every fight we had. But, guess what? When I think back & compare to how I've been acting to John, I totally caused all of it. I mean, Adam wasn't perfect to me & I will nerve say he was innocent in our relationship battles (because basically, he treated me more like a buddy than a girlfriend he was in love with - but let's not get into that)..but I'm crazy. I cause problems that don't even exist! I cannot figure it out. I mean, there are things with John that get to me, but there is no reason to cause an argument and act as though I'm in a middle school relationship. I love this kid, he loves me, we each have our faults, we are not perfect.
I had this talk with Tara the other day about how John can be immature & we're not in the same world - growing up wise. I do agree that our priorities are different, I have more responsibilities than he does, I have more money & I work more. But, ya know what, he's amazing. He treats me better than anyone I have ever known, he teaches me everything he knows, he takes care of me, he listens to me, he is THERE for ME. He is trying to get himself out of a rut of a dead end job, a broken down apartment, a party lifestyle. But, those are his choices, I would never ever force him to change. He knows what he has to do, what he wants to do...he's just not doing them yet. Everyone moves at their own pace. At least he has a car, an apartment, a job. He takes me out to dinner, he buys me drinks, he takes care of me. And I do the same & since I can afford it more than he can, I do it more...but it's my choice. He never, ever asks me to pay for something or buy him something. I do it because I can & I want to. I just created this thing in my crazy little head that I do EVERYTHING. I don't & what I do do, I do on my own. I'm ridiculous. & all I have to say is that I am very damn lucky to have him & how understanding he is to me. He knows I don't intentionally cause shit, he deals with my crap & he LOVES me. He told me about a dream he had last weekend about how I found a photo of him holding hands with another girl & that I framed it & showed it to him, accused him of cheating & broke up with him. He told me he woke up with the worst feeling ever, that I had left him. He feels like I do, I'd be devastated if we broke up. I'm completely in love with everything about him.
Another part of Tara's talk was that at our age we shouldn't be wasting time with people who don't want to settle down with us. Like get married, make babies. I mean, of course I want to know if John thinks about living with me, marrying me, having babies. But, ya know what I realized this morning...if he asked me today to move in with, I'd say no. I couldn't live with him right now. Hell, I'd love to sleep with him every night, but I'm not ready for that yet. Plus I have a lease for another year & my apartment is too tiny for the both of us. And of course he asked to marry me, I'd say yes, but not for like 2 years. So, why do I rush these things? Why do I NEED/WANT him to be ready for something that I'm not yet ready for? It makes no sense. This is why I am crazy.
Oh & I over think EVERYTHING. Obviously.
So, I have to suck these stupid feelings up, forget how I have been acting the past few days & try to improve myself so in turn I can improve our relationship. & most important thing of all, just fucking enjoy my life & my amazing boyfriend & take it one day at a time.
AMEN.
back to work.

cats, bikes & boyfriends.

I am getting a new kitty to be friends with Alex the Cat.
Hopefully this will help him to not be lonely & to also not wake me up at 4am to spend quality time.
This kitty looks pretty from the pictures the guy sent me.
He has been fostering her for about 1 1/2 months. She belonged to his cousin who was moving & was just going to drop her off at the pound. She's 5yrs old & her name is Qwen (I have no idea?) I think I'm going to change her name to Gwen because it sounds similar & I just don't get Qwen.
So, I'll be picking her up sometime this weekend. I hope everything goes well.
Picture (above) since I can't figure out how to put the picture here! Booo.


My bike has finally arrived at Walmart. I hope to pick it up tonight. I hope it does not break. I hope I do not fall. & I hope I go on lots of bike rides this weekend.

Boyfriend & I have had a few rough days. Nothing ridiculous. Just him being grumpy cuz of a back ache & me being a crazy pms girl. Not meshing well. Silly attitudes to eachother are not fun. I haven't seen him since Monday night & it's sad but I miss his cute little face. I'm going for dinner with Rhonda & then I hope we can hang out & push out all those negative thoughts. He's already sent me sweet texts today, so I can tell he's over this bullshit too. Sigh, I love this kid.

We're getting bertucci's today. Broccoli pizza will be mine in 20minutes. I'm not doing so well - eating wise - this week. After I found out the estimated nutritional facts of that stuffed slice of pizza from Sicilia's I had on Monday night, I have lost all motivation. It took up almost all of my extra points for the week & combine that with all the beer I drank. I'm in definite need of riding that bike all weekend long. UGH. But, I'm at 19.4lbs lost. Not a lot in 16 weeks. But an average of 1.2lbs a week. I guess that's not SO bad. I bet if I actually exercised it would be more. But, I'm happy that half of my clothes are too big & people are noticing a difference. According to WW I have lost 10% of myself. That's quiet crazy. Only about 30 more lbs to go. Hell, I'm going to be happy with 30lbs total, but I hope I'll keep going. It's coming off pretty easily (to an extent) & hopefully this summer I'll get in shape & be able to walk uphill while talking & eating ice cream without getting out of breathe. Maybe I should nix the ice cream too. Hmmph.

WORK.

hmmph.

So, last night I venture out in hopes of a very exciting night.
I bought tickets to see the Used. I'm a complete 13yr old girl when it comes to them.
However, the night did not turn out as I had hoped.
Within 3mins of stepping foot into Lupo's I run into two girls that Adam used to hangout with/bang/makeout ick whatever with. One knows who I am, but I avoided all possible awkward conversation & the other works there & checked my ID & she has no idea who I am. This for no good reason started my night off with bad thoughts. However, I pushed that aside until the whiskey started flowin'.
I spent most of the show by myself. I went with Ashley, but she took lots of cigarette breaks & an ATM run that lasted about an hour & a half. HA. So, I kept drinking..at a giant show..by myself. I danced and sang along to my favorite songs but then got sad because I was by myself. I made a drunken phone call to Adam in the bathroom because for some reason I thought "our" song was going to play...I'm retarded...thankfully, he did not answer & I will be deleting my call log list asap to forget that ever happened. I ended up leaving during the last song & missing the encore. BUT I met up with Ashley at local 121 & got to see my friend Christina that I used to work at Sally's with. She is hilarious! She bought me a beer which I didn't need & we caught up & had fun. Ran into Xina outside, acted like a drunken fool I'm sure... I don't even remember. & terrible & hating myself for it, I drove Ashely home & went to John's. He was grumpy & I was sad about how the show turned out & I just passed out..with the room still spinning. Maybe more happened, but I don't remember...I just know I got there a little after 11 & the last time I saw the clock it was 1:00am. HMMPH.
Anyway, woke up this morning super sick. Got to work over an hour late, didn't shower or even brush my hair. But did manage to put on a cute outfit..important things.
Now, it's 3pm...with 3 hours of work left. I waste so much time, it's terrible.

I have found the cheap-o but cute cruiser bike that I am going to purchase in hopes to get myself back in shape & to take long romantic (hah) bike rides with my boyfriend. It's probably not the best of bikes, but it costs $80, it's marroon and white & it's from Walmart. But Whatever, it will work. I just hope I don't fall over the handlebars. I have terrible envisions from when I was 10 yrs old & fell face first over the handlebars going so fast down a giant hill...the day before I was to start at a new school. My face was all kinds of messed up & I cried so hard. Man, I don't want to fall on my face over the handlebars.

Oh my. I actually like work today. I like most of what I do, just lately the stuff I don't like to do has been given the front burner & it was starting to really suck...but back to fun times at the workplace.

Offfff.

i'm a big fan of all google related things.

however, i cannot make a decision between livejournal & this.
it's actually really sad how much i'm on livejournal. i don't have many *real* friends that post entries to read, so i've now joined some very funny & informative groups.
i slack off a lot at work, especially on days i don't want to be here...everyday? so, reading interesting posts is very entertaining to me when i'm avoiding photoshop, illustrator & jewelry like the plaque.

florida trip was very perfect & i'm now having the hardest time getting back to real life.
the past two days & the beginning of this day so far have been so painful. i start to think i hate my job, but then i think maybe i just like vacations more. i dont know!

i know one thing, i looooooooooove my boyfriend so very much. it's ridiculous. like, just everything about him makes me smile. kate mentioned to me how on the trip she noticed how attentive he is to me. i guess i realized it before, but once she said that i started noticing the things he does...for example, last night...he always opens doors, lets me walk in front of him, holds my hand when we cross the street, if i'm walking behind me he'll reach his hand back for me to grab it, he'll put his arm around me when we're just standing in line at a store, he'll kiss my cheek & snuggle me in front of his friends, he'll call me "darlin" & "baby" in front of them too...there's so much but i feel like a creep writing all of this. i've just never had a boy do these things, never had someone make me feel so good about myself. oh siiiiiiigh.

i'm eating pizza again today. it's pretty bad, i need a fresh start come monday. i'm not paying $40 a month to gain 10lbs in a week. uggggh.

work time. i suppose.